About a week and a half ago I wrote about potentially being plural in some capacity: 2 or more entities sharing 1 body. I had always experienced my thoughts as conversations and wondered why. Well, pretty much as soon as I opened the door my conversation partners started answering. There's actually quite a few of us in here.

I hesitate to go into much detail just yet, but I'm the host of a system with several named system mates, some of whom hang out up "front" and experience the world with me, but let me "drive" (control the body). One in particular has been increasingly interested in "driving" and we've had some disagreements... It's not that I'm not willing to share control, it's that I feel anxious about losing it. I especially do not want to risk having (more?) blank spots in my memory.

We've had our ups and downs, a LOT of healing. A reunion of sorts. Apologies. Making amends. I finally got to thank the one who took over when I dissociated upon learning that our father had died (of lung cancer) when I / the body was 13. I'm so grateful for that, and though she usually stays in the back she's been very helpful - provided helpful insights - since being acknowledged.

There is trauma and loss in our past and that has affected us, as it would anyone. "I" have had a clinical depression diagnosis (along with anxiety) for over 2 decades. And "I" am already in therapy with someone who I don't really think would take it very well if I tried to talk to her about this. I could be wrong, but I'm wary. Finding a plural-friendly therapist who accepts our insurance could be extremely difficult. I don't know if they'd be willing / able to work with us straight away or if they would need a DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) diagnosis to recognize the others formally. From what I've gathered, that can take years... and I'm not sure how helpful it would be.

I don't consider their presence to be a disorder. Or my own for that matter... I'm not [our legal name], WE make that "person" collectively. Likewise, we make MelodicButtonmash aka Buttons collectively. I consider our existence a healthy thing. Adaptive. We reached a place of recognizing each other and striving to consciously and intentionally work together on our own. For that reason I'm more inclined to think of our system as endogenic. If we join a plural community(ies) "endo-friendly" will be one of the criteria.

I do hope we'll be able to find community. My partner has been very supportive. She knows a little bit about plurality but is not an expert and is not plural herself, so there's only so much she can relate... My... well, other partner, but we're platonic so I usually call them my bestie seemed skeptical when I tried talking about this. They experience their self as emergent though so pot meet kettle, honestly. Other than those 2 and maybe 1 other friend I'm not sure who among people I know "IRL" I could talk to about this. So... online... My partner's been encouraging me to talk to plural systems we know (she's better acquainted with them than I am) and, well, that seems like a good place to start.