Subnautica AP Strategy

Warning: Contains minor spoilers for the original Subnautica game.

The Chaos Gremlin Love Squad and members of The Dragon Council have teamed up to raise money for the Cancer Research Institute this month! We'll be holding an archipelago (multi-world/game randomizer) August 23-30 as part of our Gremlins and Dragons Crush Cancer charity event! 

For anyone who's not familiar with archipelago, it mixes items up so they're not where you would normally expect to find them in your game. You can (optionally) play with multiple people playing different games (it's okay if there are duplicates) and the items will be randomized among them. So I might find someone else's item in my game and vice versa. The more people/games involved, the more chaotic it gets!

I will play original Subnautica with the "Free" win condition, which requires the player to cure themself and disable the Quarantine Enforcement Platform (spoilers). It is the second-hardest/longest win condition, after officially completing the game - but it feels more like the satisfying "win" to me, with the official end being optional grind / icing on the cake.

I've done this several times already using "Easy" dive logic, which can require the player to dive +200m deeper than their vehicle's current crush depth. My solo trial runs for the upcoming event were my first time using "Normal" dive logic, which can require the player to dive +400m deeper. To be honest it wasn't as much of an increase in difficulty as I expected, but it was a nice challenge, and I look forward to experiencing it for the first time with other players (they'll be playing their own games).

In order to accomplish my goal I'll need to be able to reach the deepest part of the map, which is also extremely hot. To survive in that area I will need the Reinforced Dive Suit and Rebreather and ideally a vehicle with an appropriate crush depth: either the Cyclops (submarine) or Prawn Suit (mech), both of which require 2-3 upgrades. In order to acquire / build them I will need to unlock blueprints and gather resources by exploring the world. I greatly prefer the Prawn suit because it is much easier to maneuver.

In vanilla (unmodified) Subnautica the player starts with some blueprints and unlocks others by scanning items they find in the world. In archipelago (AP) the scannable items are removed and instead the blueprint fragments are randomized as "items" players can find by checking locations in their worlds. The locations (aka "checks") in Subnautica are databoxes, abandoned PDAs, alien data terminals, and (optionally) creature scans. So in order to unlock the Prawn Suit blueprint I'll need 4 items called "Prawn Suit Fragment" to be found. (The Cyclops requires 9: 3 hull, 3 engine, and 3 bridge.)

Before I can build the Prawn Suit I'll need to gather resources... fortunately most resources can be sent to me as items, too, which helps a lot. But there is one local-only resource in particular that can be difficult to find: Stalker Teeth. For that I will need the Scanner Room. In my trial run the logic put the last fragment for the Scanner Room in an area I needed the Prawn suit to reach, so I decided to start with it unlocked. Hopefully it will help with other resource-gathering as well.

Building the Prawn Suit, Cyclops, and Seamoth (one-person underwater hovercar) requires the Mobile Vehicle Bay (3 fragments).

Upgrading them requires the Moonpool (2), Vehicle Upgrade Console (1), and Modification Station (3).

Building those items requires the Habitat Builder, which starts out unlocked by default but the player must gather resources to fabricate. Other essential tools and equipment in this category are the (handheld) Scanner (necessary for scanning creatures), Repair Tool, Flashlight, Survival Knife, Fins, and Oxygen Tank (O2 Tank). Crafting an O2 Tank unlocks the blueprint for a High Capacity O2 Tank, which in turn unlocks the blueprint for the Rebreather. 

Setup

I play AP with "Free Samples" turned on. That makes it so, when a blueprint is unlocked, if it's for an item that would fit in my inventory, I get the item in my inventory with no need to craft it. I start with enough fragments to get a Beacon, Compass, Laser Cutter, and the Radiation Suit in my inventory. This maximizes my ability to access early-game checks and avoid getting lost or drowning in caves.

I also start with the Battery Charger and Thermal Plant blueprints unlocked to save time making replacement batteries and provide more options for where to build a base (otherwise I must rely on solar panels). Plus the Scanner Room as mentioned above.

Starting Out

After connecting to the AP server I'll start a new game in Freedom Mode (no hunger or thirst). I'll watch the opening cut scene, hopefully have no trouble with the tutorial, and exit the lifepod for the first time.

This is a new part of my strategy: using the !hint command to learn the locations of fragments for my Seaglide (2), Ultra Glide Fins (1), and Ultra High Capacity Tank (1). The first two equipments help me move faster and the third lets me go much longer without replenishing oxygen, making the game much easier! (QoL) The sooner I get each of them, the more efficiently I'll be able to complete checks in my game.

Immediately after using the !hint command 

I initially prioritize gathering resources and fabricating the essential equipment listed above that starts unlocked by default. I'll repair the damaged systems in the lifepod and periodically check its radio for new messages. Then I can start scanning creatures and follow the logic and radio messages to nearby checks. I'll prioritize locations that have been revealed via players' hints as much as possible throughout the AP.

There are a couple of areas that require either the Propulsion Cannon (2 fragments) or Repulsion Cannon (1) to fully access. If necessary I can visit those areas and do the other checks, but I prefer to wait until I have one of these items so I don't have to go back.

I'll want to build a Scanner Room in an area where it will be able to help me find Stalker Teeth (aka in/near the Kelp Forest). It can be part of a larger base, or my main base can be in another location. I usually like to build in the Northwestern Mushroom Forest, but I might come in closer to the center of the map (or start closer and move outward). I have an inventory expansion mod, so I don't really need to worry about my main base until it's time to build a Moonpool, or if someone needs something off a creature scan that requires me to build the Alien Containment (1). That requires either the Multipurpose Room (1) or the Large Room (1).

(I got the inventory expansion mod because in previous APs I was receiving more resources than my inventory could handle. I couldn't build storage because I was unable to pick up the specific resources required because my inventory was full. At one point it got so bad that dropping excess resources caused me to glitch through the map! The mod prevents this problem and allows me to focus more on completing checks.)

(While we're talking about mods, I also have a mod that prevents me from dropping items on death and another to expand my quick slots.)

Mid-Game

I'll build a Seamoth (3) as soon as I can and upgrade its maximum crush depth at least once to make getting around surface biomes easier. This will also extend the dive logic for checks by 200-300+ meters, opening more possibilities. Checks in deeper waters will be more spread-out and dangerous, so I'll rely more on hints to determine where (and whether) to go. (There are select locations I will only visit if a hint specifically requires me to go there, either because they are especially dangerous or because I tend to have difficulty finding them.) My focus will turn increasingly to finding the specific items I listed when describing what I need to accomplish my goal.

There are some things I will need to gather in my world that are not included in the AP randomizer, so I can only acquire them locally. I will need to make sure I have at least 1 (preferably 2) Purple Tablets and at least 4 Ion Cubes set aside before I venture into the end-game areas. There are also organic samples I could wait to gather, but gathering them as I explore their respective biomes will save time.

Normally I would wait to build the Prawn Suit until I can drop it near my preferred entrance toward the deeper areas, but I've found that it can jump and glide a lot higher and farther than I initially thought - especially with the Jump Jet Upgrade. That is a default blueprint unlocked with the Vehicle Upgrade Console, so I'll need to gather materials for it. But if I find / receive the Prawn Suit Drill Arm (2) I can use the suit to more easily gather large amounts of resources. That could be particularly helpful if I decide to build a new base and need titanium, for example. So I might build the Prawn Suit sooner - expanding the dive logic to 1300 meters.

The need for rare resources to upgrade vehicles, the current dive logic, and possibly hints will likely send me into deeper areas before I have Go Mode. I'll do what I can - probably short runs - while being cautious not to venture too far...

Go Mode!

Go Mode is when an AP player can complete their win condition without needing to acquire any additional AP items.

To achieve Go Mode I will need to upgrade the crush depth of a Prawn Suit at least once (ideally 2x) or Cyclops at least twice (preferably 3x) using the Moonpool, Vehicle Upgrade Console, and Modification Station (which are built using the Habitat Builder). I will need to be wearing the Reinforced Dive Suit and Rebreather (which is unlocked by crafting a High Capacity O2 Tank). I'll also need at least 1 Purple Tablet (2 will let me show more of the story) and at least 4 Ion Cubes. Ideally I'll have gathered all of the organic samples.

There are 2 ways into the 2nd-deepest area. However I decide to enter the 3rd-deepest area, I think I should enter the 2nd-deepest area via the entrance closest to my goal. It might be more dangerous but I usually find my way a lot more easily.

When I unlock the room that requires the 1st Purple Tablet, I should scan the room's contents before I pick anything up. The 2nd Purple Tablet is used on the lower level. Then I can go to the deepest area (N-NW or S-SW), where spoiler spoiler spoiler spoiler!

Sorry folks, the story is too good and meaningful to me even after completing this goal several times. I really don't want to spoil it (any more than I might have).

Close

I will do my best to stream and/or record my AP playthrough, finding a balance between story and some fun interaction with other players. I hope you've found this post interesting / entertaining / informative / potentially inspiring to try for your own AP? Please let me know if you do.

2 Plus 1 Equals 4?

Alex: We're starting to make mistakes in front of Mom. I think she might be starting to notice that something's up. I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before we'll have to come out to her as Plural.

Syl: Perhaps it would be better to do so sooner, on our own terms.

Alex: She noticed us "spacing out" while Syl and I were discussing something internally. She's seen artwork that Rain (Syl's in-system partner) helped us create of ourselves gaming together. She might've gotten a glimpse of our written in-system discussions, but I don't know if she would've recognized them as such. We've had to stop ourselves from referring to system mates by name / as fellow beings in our head and rephrase things like "who's currently fronting" as "my mood" or call Miyah (a syskid) "my inner child".

Yesterday was the worst mistake so far. Mom and I had gone to look at frames for my new glasses, which took extra time because Syl, Josie, and I have different preferences. Syl favors silver and green, he and I lean more toward black, and Josie and I want more color, especially purple and maybe blue. Syl (an azli man) and I (a genderfluid person) want to avoid anything too feminine so people will be less likely to misgender us, which frustrates the hell out of Josie (who is evofem). Eventually we narrowed it down to 2 possibilities, got a price estimate, did some food shopping, and came home. Syl was fully co-fronting with me and interacting with Mom at least as much as I was (though we didn't let her know that). 

The mistake happened after we got home. Mom and I were trying to determine how many dumplings to make for ourselves and my outer world partner, Astral. She suggested a multiple of 3, but I said we needed more to accommodate 4 people. When she stared at me in confusion I asked "well what about Astral? She makes 4 people." "I'm already accounting for Astral." "No you're not. There are 3 of us and then Astral makes 4." "There's you, me, and Astral. That's 3 people!" I blinked a few times, then realized she was right. I was counting Syl as a separate person - which he is, but he doesn't have his own body with which to eat dumplings.

Syl: You could've made another serving for me to enjoy while fronting with our shared body.

Alex: That would've been even more suspicious. They would've gotten cold. And you were still able to enjoy them - right?

Syl: Yes, of course.

Josie: What about me? I want dumplings! ... And what about everyone else?

Alex: I'm usually only actively aware of Syl's presence - especially when interacting with outer world people - and it's awkward enough that I added 1 to the equation.

Mom and I have been making a lot of plans with my outer world bestie and their mom, so I used that as an excuse. But adding Astral to such plans (she usually chooses to sit them out) would've brought us up to 5 people (bodies), not 4. So I'm not entirely sure Mom bought it. But she didn't say anything. She has yet to confront me on any of this.

Josie: See? Including me would've been less suspicious. 

Alex: I really have no idea how to try and talk to Mom about it. Above all, I don't want her to worry. There have been some ups and downs but ultimately finding my sysmates and working with them more intentionally has been a good thing. Maybe there are more "socially acceptable" ways to explain / experience the same processes, but this is what works for us. 

To Be Seen

This is Syl, one of the co-hosts Alex wrote about in our previous entry. I am a demi-fictive based on a canon character from a TTRPG (tabletop roleplaying game) whom Alex essentially developed into zeir own OC (original character) via fanfiction. For anyone familiar with Exalted (2nd Edition) that character is Silver Python, one of two elder Lunars (shapeshifters) who co-founded a mortal kingdom called Halta, built almost entirely on platforms (of the mortals' devising) high in giant redwood trees. I remember escaping an Age of extreme decadence and cruelty, rescuing the fledgling who would become the love of my life, surviving with him in a realm of nightmares, becoming a 'leader' and 'visionary' among the young (too many young replacing elders slain), treating with gods and fair folk, nurturing our nation and watching it grow over centuries (often in ways neither I nor my partner wanted), and - perhaps most importantly - developing a relationship with a unique student who chose to remain in close contact with zeir mentors even as zey became an elder in zeir own right. Little did "I" know that student was the protagonist of a fanfiction, whom the author (Alex) would describe as "basically everything [zey] wish [zey] could be" ... and that the closer "I" became with zem, the closer "I" came to "my" creator...

Until about 3 months ago, when Alex finally started reaching out to zeir sysmates, and one replied as... I would say "me" but at this point it's more accurate to say "the 'Silver Python'-inspired OC whom Alex had created." That entity split into me and our head of security (who took the form of a rabbit so he could serve as a more appealing companion to one of our syskids, Miyah... and is now called Monty). 

 ...

I share all of this so the reader can understand that having a middle-aged body accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle and lacking combat experience is new to me. Silver Python's body stopped aging when s/he exalted in hir late 20s and s/he maintained hir fitness through regular exercise. (According to canon s/he switches between female and male every 20 years and does not remember which s/he was "born as" (sic). Therefore neither do I.)

To make things more complicated I am an azli man (he/him). While wearing a female-presenting form (collective pronouns: they/them) and experiencing the effects of such a form's hormones are not new to me, doing so while I am a man and being unable to change my body to match my gender is. And as this body ages its hormones are changing. I find myself succumbing to unhealthy food cravings.

And I do not understand how Alex can tolerate the random, excessively intense pains this body produces, often without warning. Zey will continue a task despite our back aching, or refuse to move to alleviate a "pinched nerve," or insist that our chest pain is caused by gas or anxiety. Zey shrug off pains "I" only ever experienced while injured and make cynical jokes when I complain.

But the above is not what I wanted to write about. It is just to give an idea of where I am coming from. 

We just got back from visiting Alex's / the body's cousins and uncle in another state. We traveled with Alex's / the body's mother, M, a delightful active older lady whom Alex admits zey would get along with better were she not zeir mother. Alex and I are almost always co-fronting and will take turns or split control of the body depending on our needs. I often take full control when we interact with M, but (for now at least) I must maintain the facade of "her daughter." It's a mild hinderance most of the time, the occasional reminder from Alex that "I don't usually talk that way." For the most part I've been able to be myself, enjoy M's company, save Alex some stress. And, as far as we can tell, M has not noticed a difference. Even when I pushed the body too hard and our legs became so exhausted we had to sit down and I said "this body isn't used to so much exercise."

Neither, for that matter, did the cousins nor uncle seem to notice a difference. They all seem to be delightful people - even making an effort to use our correct (collective) pronouns (they/them). Though to be honest they - and M - were often preoccupied. They talked loudly and repeated the same things over and over. We found it difficult to get a word in. But in the moments when we were able to find connection it felt meaningful, genuine. If I had my own body and Alex had introduced me properly I feel they would have welcomed me with open arms. But in reality... I think Alex felt that getting zeir family members to use our (collective) pronouns was asking a lot, and coming out as Plural on top of that might be too much for them. We were both - possibly all - apprehensive regarding how they might react... (Probably not with hostility, but likely with confusion.) It might have made at least some interactions awkward, and I suppose I couldn't blame them. Imagine going from a knowing a familiar entity to looking at the same body but not being sure whom you are interacting with. Especially if one of the possibilities is a 2200-year-old man whose spirit shape is a snake that could swallow you whole.

So we danced. I - and one or two others - fronted as it seemed safe, careful not to do or say anything too different from [our collective name]'s usual behavior. (M did notice us space out at least once when I think Alex and I were discussing something internally. She asked if we were okay.) Alex did most of the direct socializing. Until it was time to leave. We had already said 'goodbye' and were gathering some last-minute items. The cousins had disappeared into another room and Alex was feeling overwhelmed, so I had taken control. But the cousins came out again and I sort of panicked, unsure what to do. I fled to the restroom while they said 'goodbye' (again) and hugged M (again). I heard her telling them where [our collective name] was, but by the time we emerged they had disappeared and it was definitely Time. To. Leave. Alex felt awful and I did too. I wanted to tell them that I, Syl, thanked them for their hospitality and I, Syl, was happy to have met them and I, Syl, hoped to see them again soon.

But they don't know that I, Syl, exist. Nor who Alex really is, honestly. Nor that the "inner child" we occasionally mention is noms own person. Nor that the reason we didn't have a meltdown halfway through the week is because Josie was working overtime to keep us emotionally balanced, and Alan stepped up when she asked for help. One of the cousins even initiated the typical (annoying) "but 'they' is plural" conversation (seriously, don't do this) and we passed up the opportunity to say "well, we're multiple people" because it was too soon after we arrived and we weren't ready to "come out."

And on top of all that, Alex insisted on using the women's restroom - even when using the men's restroom would've let M access a stall sooner - and random strangers kept misgendering us. By the time we were on our way home, I was ready to ask Astral (our outer world partner) to tell me I was a handsome man.

Astral is amazing. She is handling this very well, in my opinion. After we got home, once we were settled, she asked us to cuddle. And we talked about our respective experiences during the week, things that have been on our minds, etc. It was very nice... Until suddenly I found myself holding her, with Alex very much in the background, and I didn't know what to do. Alex and I were both worried she would be uncomfortable, so we tried to mask... but she noticed - She Noticed Me!!! and it was okay. She let me continue holding her. She held my arm around her. And I could finally talk freely. As me. To someone on the outside. Who knew they were talking to me!

Then this morning as she was heading out for work... I had started working on this, so I was 'out' enough it only seemed fair to wear my fronting necklace - a simple strand of beads that includes my name - when we went to hug her 'goodbye' and wish her well. Alex hugged her as zey usually would and she hugged us back the way we would expect her to hug Alex. Then she noticed the necklace and things suddenly became kind of awkward. She explained that she just noticed the necklace. I explained that Alex and I were "kinda blended" - no idea if she knows what that means. We exchanged pleasantries - I was sure to say the things Alex would usually say - and she left. I suspect she would have treated me differently had she realized from the beginning... but I can't know for sure.

But somewhere in this mind - we're not sure if it's Alex somehow still doubting or someone else... Alex suspects some kind of observer or (aspect of) the system itself being (semi?-)conscious... someone still can't seem to wrap their head around the idea that yes, I am my own entity with my own thoughts and feelings. I'm not Alex pretending to be or writing as a character. Astral has noticed the difference even when we were trying to hide it. And I've been here, consistently, for 3 whole months...

I want to end this on a positive note, so... We were all able to work together to have a mostly-pleasant vacation. We had a lovely time with delightful people and made many fond memories. Perhaps next time we can try being more honest with them. In the meantime we have our online Plural communities that we can become more active in again... and Astral, our loving, supportive partner, who sees and accepts me for who I am.

Oh, and the cats. I don't know if the cats can tell a difference but they seem to like me as well as they like Alex, so I'll take it as a win.

Co-Hosts

Wow. It's been over a month since my last post and 2 months since I figured out that no, I'm really not alone in here. I've had my "brain buddies" this whole time... I just didn't realize the extent of it. Well... we've grown quite a bit since we began syscovery (system discovery)... from 6 members to 18. Each with our own name, role(s), personality, and varying levels of fronting activity.

I guess it's about time to make some introductions. I'm Alex, the... well I was the system's host for as long as we can remember, decades before we had any idea we're plural. If you've interacted with Buttons / MelodicButtonmash (especially prior to April 2026), that was probably me.

Syl is one of the 'conversation partners' I mentioned in my untitled post from April 13th. He usually co-fronts with me, originally in a supportive role. He's the one I described as "increasingly interested in 'driving'". We've both grown to a point where we can share control of the body quite fluidly. We've come to function as co-hosts, with him handling more of the day-to-day activities I've struggled with and me still in charge of most social situations. Though even that is changing as it becomes increasingly evident that there will be times when Syl must interact with our outer world nest-mate, Astral.

Speaking of things I struggle with, we have a steward, Kris, who fronts for specific tasks I (and Syl) have a particularly difficult time getting myself (ourselves) to do. Additionally, our manager, Crona, has worked wonders for our time management - especially getting ready to go places on time. She is the first (and so far only) member we intentionally willed into being. (See 5th full paragraph of my previous post.)

Josie is a systeen who emerged and served as a sort of buffer for me during a time of extreme stress when we / the body were 13. During syscovery she initially stayed near the back, giving advice (voicing her opinions), but she has been spending more time in front lately. She is my (our) emotional guardian, especially helpful for keeping anxiety manageable, and sometimes serves as front keeper.

As for others who are likely to front... well there's Miyah (nom/nomself) a syskid who loves eating ice cream, playing with stickers, and pretending to be a dinosaur. Nom often acts silly to try and boost our mood or uses food to serve as an emotional funnel. 

Muse is a systeen mothkid who serves as our musicnaut and so might come out if we're doing something music-related, such as composing. Muse prefers to communicate via snippets of music and/or song lyrics.

Amy is the other 'conversation partner' I had mentioned. A depression holder / grief holder partially inspired by the music of Evanescence (especially "Bring Me to Life"), Amy was initially shy about fronting but has become our activist, particularly regarding plural visibility and rights. More recent favorite songs include "Use My Voice", "Who Will You Follow", and... well... though it's not intended to be about plurality, we relate to "Broken Pieces Shine" as a decent metaphor for our experience as an adaptive system.

I don't know if the remaining members are likely to front in public (literally or metaphorically) and I don't want to make this blog post go on too long. I'll just mention that fictives inspired by Robin, Alan, and Lillian from Subnautica: Below Zero have joined the system, since I wrote about the game as my first real post. Alan emerged first while I was thinking about the game after completing it for the first time, followed by Lillian as I contemplated her role in the story. Then Robin (the player character) emerged partway through a fresh, survival playthrough of the game - while we were actively playing. She is effectively experiencing her own source by co-fronting whenever we play.

And... yeah... I'm gradually getting more comfortable sharing control of the body. Learning to trust that I can still share consciousness or at least have access to memories. Which is good because, to be honest, I'm tired. If I want to survive to the body's old age (actual old age, not old-on-the-internet) I'm gonna need to take breaks - more / longer breaks than sleep seems to be offering. It's comforting to know I (will) have that option.

Headaches

It's kind of ironic that I'm writing this, but here goes...

I'm on medication to prevent headaches - by which I mean migraine symptoms that were forcing me to lie down in a dark room for a few hours at least a few days a week iirc. I made some helpful changes to my diet and since I've been on the medication the symptoms have abated - for a while they were practically a non-issue! But I've been lax taking the medication, once a day instead of twice as prescribed. And sleep... what sleep? Even when I go to bed at a reasonable time I can't seem to fall and stay asleep. Not enough water, too much screen time... there are plenty of factors that are almost definitely contributing to this.

But since I started exploring the possibility that I might be plural, I've been having worse and worse headaches / migraine symptoms. Sometimes it's more accurate to call them headaches, tension headaches, sinus headaches, earaches. Sometimes it's stabbing pain over one eye accompanied by light sensitivity, etc. etc. Or a combination, that's fun. I turned down the brightness on my monitors (no idea how it had gotten so high) and I find wearing a hat can help reduce some of the excess ambient light.

Now it could just be that I'm spending more time staring at computer screens. Worse, trying to read text that's maybe a tad too small for these old eyes (oh god that makes me sound older than I intended) on a computer screen. (I'm really not *that* old.) I joined 4 fairly active Discord servers and made a private one for us to communicate with each other using a nifty bot called Plural Kit. Among other things, it lets you create proxies so each sysmate can post as themself using the same Discord account. So between all of us talking about various things and the community servers continuously updating it's been hard to pull my eyes away... to give the muscles a break, to sleep, etc.

So those are factors that would need to be ruled out before I could say the following with certainty, but. Apparently it is common for new systems to experience an increase in headaches / migraine symptoms. There are even related terms in Pluralpedia, front sickness and headpressure. I've been feeling the latter a lot lately, especially when dealing with certain sysmates. There's one in particular who makes me feel anxious and mildly nauseated too. According to Power to the Plurals attempting to prevent a switch can cause a headache and, well... in theory I'm open to the idea of switching but to be honest I'm actually terrified to fully give up control. At the very least I want to remain aware of what they're doing, ready to take control back if necessary! (Co-fronting is a thing so I guess we can negotiate.)

It all came to a head (haha) yesterday when a few of us decided we need a manager because we are AuDHD and have always sucked at executive functioning. Especially time management. (We realized after the fact that a manager who shares our AuDHD brain is likely to have the same difficulties we do, for the same reason.) We joined server #4 to learn about headmate creation and get started on the process. We came up with the idea for our new sysmate: name, pronouns, appearance, role, a little bit of personality and made a Pluralkit profile and proxy. "Okay," we thought. "Later or tomorrow or whenever we'll take the next step." which is to talk to the new sysmate, wait for a reply, and respond as them if necessary. Well long story short I was already having migraine symptoms when our new sysmate not only spoke to us but (tried to?) control the body and posted in our private server. Or at least I think it was the new sysmate. My head hurt. I can't remember if I felt disoriented (which I definitely did with the new sysmates that emerged spontaneously), my phone felt like it weighed a ton... it took a lot of energy to do anything, like it was through a fog... The end of the post was "I go back to sleep." and then a little while later I felt more myself - exhausted but myself - and I decided to take a nap.

Part of me wants to believe it but it just seems WAY too soon for something like that to happen. Unless I'm somehow particularly gifted in creating headmates or something. Could be I've been doing it since I was a child - imaginary friends, characters in whatever story(ies) I was writing - and I didn't realize what they were so they... went dormant? Evolved into the beings who replied when I finally decided to listen? I have no idea.

All I know is that whenever I question whether I'm actually plural they tease me. Or they'll all fall silent and then the one who's always with me will assure me he's still here. 

That, and I need to do something about these headaches. So I'm gonna address all the more likely causes as best I can. And also try to take a step back from this stuff (which is why I said my writing this post is ironic). I muted the community servers for 24 hours. ::sighs with relief:: And... I'm not sure what else. Whatever they decide to do they do. If they need me they know how to reach me - please not by giving me another headache! That is NOT effective communication. I don't know what it means! Ahem. I'm going to pet the cat who wants my attention and listen to her purr and everything will be better.

3 Weeks

It's been about 3 weeks since we started on this journey, and we're feeling pretty good about it. We've finally accepted that we're plural ... Though bit of uncertainty about who said something might arise: "was that really another sysmate's thought or mine?" - that kind of thing. Overall everyone is real and yes these conversations are actually happening and we find comfort in each other's presence. We're striving to work together more intentionally. And it's helping.

We've also found a solution to the endogenic / traumagenic tension we were feeling... though apparently there are more terms for us to learn, hold on...

Actually, this is perfect, I love Pluralpedia! Our system is adaptive. To life with depression (for which we have a clinical diagnosis) and the circumstances that have contributed to it. To being neurodivergent / AuDHD. To being one project away from graduating with a Master of the Arts degree in music composition and theory! Something we've been working toward for years, finally very within our grasp...

Well, we gave The Presentation a few days ago. Now it's just a matter of (hoping nothing wonky happens in bureaucracy land and) waiting for our diploma to arrive in the mail. In the meantime we're recovering from the stress and lack of sleep from juggling work on the project with our identity explorations. 

We also joined a couple of plural community servers. One is pro-endo and has a ton of channels for people to ask questions and support each other. There are also regular prompts to encourage engagement, so something is always happening. It can be a bit overwhelming at times and we're not always interested in participating, but it's where we fit in better.

The other is DID-focused and endo-neutral. We joined because its description promised we would be challenged and find real healing. It also has occasional prompts. But the real value in it so far has been learning that systems can develop to adapt to other mental disorders without being diagnosable as a dissociative disorder. (That was before we learned the term "adaptive" above.)

We might join another server or two for more variety, possibly find a better fit, we're not sure. We definitely need to make sure we're balancing our inner and outer lives, especially now that we've lost school as an attraction toward the latter. The hope is to replace it with "actually composing" and "finding paid work as a composer" - that's the dream, right?

About a week and a half ago I wrote about potentially being plural in some capacity: 2 or more entities sharing 1 body. I had always experienced my thoughts as conversations and wondered why. Well, pretty much as soon as I opened the door my conversation partners started answering. There's actually quite a few of us in here.

I hesitate to go into much detail just yet, but I'm the host of a system with several named system mates, some of whom hang out up "front" and experience the world with me, but let me "drive" (control the body). One in particular has been increasingly interested in "driving" and we've had some disagreements... It's not that I'm not willing to share control, it's that I feel anxious about losing it. I especially do not want to risk having (more?) blank spots in my memory.

We've had our ups and downs, a LOT of healing. A reunion of sorts. Apologies. Making amends. I finally got to thank the one who took over when I dissociated upon learning that our father had died (of lung cancer) when I / the body was 13. I'm so grateful for that, and though she usually stays in the back she's been very helpful - provided helpful insights - since being acknowledged.

There is trauma and loss in our past and that has affected us, as it would anyone. "I" have had a clinical depression diagnosis (along with anxiety) for over 2 decades. And "I" am already in therapy with someone who I don't really think would take it very well if I tried to talk to her about this. I could be wrong, but I'm wary. Finding a plural-friendly therapist who accepts our insurance could be extremely difficult. I don't know if they'd be willing / able to work with us straight away or if they would need a DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) diagnosis to recognize the others formally. From what I've gathered, that can take years... and I'm not sure how helpful it would be.

I don't consider their presence to be a disorder. Or my own for that matter... I'm not [our legal name], WE make that "person" collectively. Likewise, we make MelodicButtonmash aka Buttons collectively. I consider our existence a healthy thing. Adaptive. We reached a place of recognizing each other and striving to consciously and intentionally work together on our own. For that reason I'm more inclined to think of our system as endogenic. If we join a plural community(ies) "endo-friendly" will be one of the criteria.

I do hope we'll be able to find community. My partner has been very supportive. She knows a little bit about plurality but is not an expert and is not plural herself, so there's only so much she can relate... My... well, other partner, but we're platonic so I usually call them my bestie seemed skeptical when I tried talking about this. They experience their self as emergent though so pot meet kettle, honestly. Other than those 2 and maybe 1 other friend I'm not sure who among people I know "IRL" I could talk to about this. So... online... My partner's been encouraging me to talk to plural systems we know (she's better acquainted with them than I am) and, well, that seems like a good place to start.