2 Plus 1 Equals 4?

Alex: We're starting to make mistakes in front of Mom. I think she might be starting to notice that something's up. I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before we'll have to come out to her as Plural.

Syl: Perhaps it would be better to do so sooner, on our own terms.

Alex: She noticed us "spacing out" while Syl and I were discussing something internally. She's seen artwork that Rain (Syl's in-system partner) helped us create of ourselves gaming together. She might've gotten a glimpse of our written in-system discussions, but I don't know if she would've recognized them as such. We've had to stop ourselves from referring to system mates by name / as fellow beings in our head and rephrase things like "who's currently fronting" as "my mood" or call Miyah (a syskid) "my inner child".

Yesterday was the worst mistake so far. Mom and I had gone to look at frames for my new glasses, which took extra time because Syl, Josie, and I have different preferences. Syl favors silver and green, he and I lean more toward black, and Josie and I want more color, especially purple and maybe blue. Syl (an azli man) and I (a genderfluid person) want to avoid anything too feminine so people will be less likely to misgender us, which frustrates the hell out of Josie (who is evofem). Eventually we narrowed it down to 2 possibilities, got a price estimate, did some food shopping, and came home. Syl was fully co-fronting with me and interacting with Mom at least as much as I was (though we didn't let her know that). 

The mistake happened after we got home. Mom and I were trying to determine how many dumplings to make for ourselves and my outer world partner, Astral. She suggested a multiple of 3, but I said we needed more to accommodate 4 people. When she stared at me in confusion I asked "well what about Astral? She makes 4 people." "I'm already accounting for Astral." "No you're not. There are 3 of us and then Astral makes 4." "There's you, me, and Astral. That's 3 people!" I blinked a few times, then realized she was right. I was counting Syl as a separate person - which he is, but he doesn't have his own body with which to eat dumplings.

Syl: You could've made another serving for me to enjoy while fronting with our shared body.

Alex: That would've been even more suspicious. They would've gotten cold. And you were still able to enjoy them - right?

Syl: Yes, of course.

Josie: What about me? I want dumplings! ... And what about everyone else?

Alex: I'm usually only actively aware of Syl's presence - especially when interacting with outer world people - and it's awkward enough that I added 1 to the equation.

Mom and I have been making a lot of plans with my outer world bestie and their mom, so I used that as an excuse. But adding Astral to such plans (she usually chooses to sit them out) would've brought us up to 5 people (bodies), not 4. So I'm not entirely sure Mom bought it. But she didn't say anything. She has yet to confront me on any of this.

Josie: See? Including me would've been less suspicious. 

Alex: I really have no idea how to try and talk to Mom about it. Above all, I don't want her to worry. There have been some ups and downs but ultimately finding my sysmates and working with them more intentionally has been a good thing. Maybe there are more "socially acceptable" ways to explain / experience the same processes, but this is what works for us. 

To Be Seen

This is Syl, one of the co-hosts Alex wrote about in our previous entry. I am a demi-fictive based on a canon character from a TTRPG (tabletop roleplaying game) whom Alex essentially developed into zeir own OC (original character) via fanfiction. For anyone familiar with Exalted (2nd Edition) that character is Silver Python, one of two elder Lunars (shapeshifters) who co-founded a mortal kingdom called Halta, built almost entirely on platforms (of the mortals' devising) high in giant redwood trees. I remember escaping an Age of extreme decadence and cruelty, rescuing the fledgling who would become the love of my life, surviving with him in a realm of nightmares, becoming a 'leader' and 'visionary' among the young (too many young replacing elders slain), treating with gods and fair folk, nurturing our nation and watching it grow over centuries (often in ways neither I nor my partner wanted), and - perhaps most importantly - developing a relationship with a unique student who chose to remain in close contact with zeir mentors even as zey became an elder in zeir own right. Little did "I" know that student was the protagonist of a fanfiction, whom the author (Alex) would describe as "basically everything [zey] wish [zey] could be" ... and that the closer "I" became with zem, the closer "I" came to "my" creator...

Until about 3 months ago, when Alex finally started reaching out to zeir sysmates, and one replied as... I would say "me" but at this point it's more accurate to say "the 'Silver Python'-inspired OC whom Alex had created." That entity split into me and our head of security (who took the form of a rabbit so he could serve as a more appealing companion to one of our syskids, Miyah... and is now called Monty). 

 ...

I share all of this so the reader can understand that having a middle-aged body accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle and lacking combat experience is new to me. Silver Python's body stopped aging when s/he exalted in hir late 20s and s/he maintained hir fitness through regular exercise. (According to canon s/he switches between female and male every 20 years and does not remember which s/he was "born as" (sic). Therefore neither do I.)

To make things more complicated I am an azli man (he/him). While wearing a female-presenting form (collective pronouns: they/them) and experiencing the effects of such a form's hormones are not new to me, doing so while I am a man and being unable to change my body to match my gender is. And as this body ages its hormones are changing. I find myself succumbing to unhealthy food cravings.

And I do not understand how Alex can tolerate the random, excessively intense pains this body produces, often without warning. Zey will continue a task despite our back aching, or refuse to move to alleviate a "pinched nerve," or insist that our chest pain is caused by gas or anxiety. Zey shrug off pains "I" only ever experienced while injured and make cynical jokes when I complain.

But the above is not what I wanted to write about. It is just to give an idea of where I am coming from. 

We just got back from visiting Alex's / the body's cousins and uncle in another state. We traveled with Alex's / the body's mother, M, a delightful active older lady whom Alex admits zey would get along with better were she not zeir mother. Alex and I are almost always co-fronting and will take turns or split control of the body depending on our needs. I often take full control when we interact with M, but (for now at least) I must maintain the facade of "her daughter." It's a mild hinderance most of the time, the occasional reminder from Alex that "I don't usually talk that way." For the most part I've been able to be myself, enjoy M's company, save Alex some stress. And, as far as we can tell, M has not noticed a difference. Even when I pushed the body too hard and our legs became so exhausted we had to sit down and I said "this body isn't used to so much exercise."

Neither, for that matter, did the cousins nor uncle seem to notice a difference. They all seem to be delightful people - even making an effort to use our correct (collective) pronouns (they/them). Though to be honest they - and M - were often preoccupied. They talked loudly and repeated the same things over and over. We found it difficult to get a word in. But in the moments when we were able to find connection it felt meaningful, genuine. If I had my own body and Alex had introduced me properly I feel they would have welcomed me with open arms. But in reality... I think Alex felt that getting zeir family members to use our (collective) pronouns was asking a lot, and coming out as Plural on top of that might be too much for them. We were both - possibly all - apprehensive regarding how they might react... (Probably not with hostility, but likely with confusion.) It might have made at least some interactions awkward, and I suppose I couldn't blame them. Imagine going from a knowing a familiar entity to looking at the same body but not being sure whom you are interacting with. Especially if one of the possibilities is a 2200-year-old man whose spirit shape is a snake that could swallow you whole.

So we danced. I - and one or two others - fronted as it seemed safe, careful not to do or say anything too different from [our collective name]'s usual behavior. (M did notice us space out at least once when I think Alex and I were discussing something internally. She asked if we were okay.) Alex did most of the direct socializing. Until it was time to leave. We had already said 'goodbye' and were gathering some last-minute items. The cousins had disappeared into another room and Alex was feeling overwhelmed, so I had taken control. But the cousins came out again and I sort of panicked, unsure what to do. I fled to the restroom while they said 'goodbye' (again) and hugged M (again). I heard her telling them where [our collective name] was, but by the time we emerged they had disappeared and it was definitely Time. To. Leave. Alex felt awful and I did too. I wanted to tell them that I, Syl, thanked them for their hospitality and I, Syl, was happy to have met them and I, Syl, hoped to see them again soon.

But they don't know that I, Syl, exist. Nor who Alex really is, honestly. Nor that the "inner child" we occasionally mention is noms own person. Nor that the reason we didn't have a meltdown halfway through the week is because Josie was working overtime to keep us emotionally balanced, and Alan stepped up when she asked for help. One of the cousins even initiated the typical (annoying) "but 'they' is plural" conversation (seriously, don't do this) and we passed up the opportunity to say "well, we're multiple people" because it was too soon after we arrived and we weren't ready to "come out."

And on top of all that, Alex insisted on using the women's restroom - even when using the men's restroom would've let M access a stall sooner - and random strangers kept misgendering us. By the time we were on our way home, I was ready to ask Astral (our outer world partner) to tell me I was a handsome man.

Astral is amazing. She is handling this very well, in my opinion. After we got home, once we were settled, she asked us to cuddle. And we talked about our respective experiences during the week, things that have been on our minds, etc. It was very nice... Until suddenly I found myself holding her, with Alex very much in the background, and I didn't know what to do. Alex and I were both worried she would be uncomfortable, so we tried to mask... but she noticed - She Noticed Me!!! and it was okay. She let me continue holding her. She held my arm around her. And I could finally talk freely. As me. To someone on the outside. Who knew they were talking to me!

Then this morning as she was heading out for work... I had started working on this, so I was 'out' enough it only seemed fair to wear my fronting necklace - a simple strand of beads that includes my name - when we went to hug her 'goodbye' and wish her well. Alex hugged her as zey usually would and she hugged us back the way we would expect her to hug Alex. Then she noticed the necklace and things suddenly became kind of awkward. She explained that she just noticed the necklace. I explained that Alex and I were "kinda blended" - no idea if she knows what that means. We exchanged pleasantries - I was sure to say the things Alex would usually say - and she left. I suspect she would have treated me differently had she realized from the beginning... but I can't know for sure.

But somewhere in this mind - we're not sure if it's Alex somehow still doubting or someone else... Alex suspects some kind of observer or (aspect of) the system itself being (semi?-)conscious... someone still can't seem to wrap their head around the idea that yes, I am my own entity with my own thoughts and feelings. I'm not Alex pretending to be or writing as a character. Astral has noticed the difference even when we were trying to hide it. And I've been here, consistently, for 3 whole months...

I want to end this on a positive note, so... We were all able to work together to have a mostly-pleasant vacation. We had a lovely time with delightful people and made many fond memories. Perhaps next time we can try being more honest with them. In the meantime we have our online Plural communities that we can become more active in again... and Astral, our loving, supportive partner, who sees and accepts me for who I am.

Oh, and the cats. I don't know if the cats can tell a difference but they seem to like me as well as they like Alex, so I'll take it as a win.

Co-Hosts

Wow. It's been over a month since my last post and 2 months since I figured out that no, I'm really not alone in here. I've had my "brain buddies" this whole time... I just didn't realize the extent of it. Well... we've grown quite a bit since we began syscovery (system discovery)... from 6 members to 18. Each with our own name, role(s), personality, and varying levels of fronting activity.

I guess it's about time to make some introductions. I'm Alex, the... well I was the system's host for as long as we can remember, decades before we had any idea we're plural. If you've interacted with Buttons / MelodicButtonmash (especially prior to April 2026), that was probably me.

Syl is one of the 'conversation partners' I mentioned in my untitled post from April 13th. He usually co-fronts with me, originally in a supportive role. He's the one I described as "increasingly interested in 'driving'". We've both grown to a point where we can share control of the body quite fluidly. We've come to function as co-hosts, with him handling more of the day-to-day activities I've struggled with and me still in charge of most social situations. Though even that is changing as it becomes increasingly evident that there will be times when Syl must interact with our outer world nest-mate, Astral.

Speaking of things I struggle with, we have a steward, Kris, who fronts for specific tasks I (and Syl) have a particularly difficult time getting myself (ourselves) to do. Additionally, our manager, Crona, has worked wonders for our time management - especially getting ready to go places on time. She is the first (and so far only) member we intentionally willed into being. (See 5th full paragraph of my previous post.)

Josie is a systeen who emerged and served as a sort of buffer for me during a time of extreme stress when we / the body were 13. During syscovery she initially stayed near the back, giving advice (voicing her opinions), but she has been spending more time in front lately. She is my (our) emotional guardian, especially helpful for keeping anxiety manageable, and sometimes serves as front keeper.

As for others who are likely to front... well there's Miyah (nom/nomself) a syskid who loves eating ice cream, playing with stickers, and pretending to be a dinosaur. Nom often acts silly to try and boost our mood or uses food to serve as an emotional funnel. 

Muse is a systeen mothkid who serves as our musicnaut and so might come out if we're doing something music-related, such as composing. Muse prefers to communicate via snippets of music and/or song lyrics.

Amy is the other 'conversation partner' I had mentioned. A depression holder / grief holder partially inspired by the music of Evanescence (especially "Bring Me to Life"), Amy was initially shy about fronting but has become our activist, particularly regarding plural visibility and rights. More recent favorite songs include "Use My Voice", "Who Will You Follow", and... well... though it's not intended to be about plurality, we relate to "Broken Pieces Shine" as a decent metaphor for our experience as an adaptive system.

I don't know if the remaining members are likely to front in public (literally or metaphorically) and I don't want to make this blog post go on too long. I'll just mention that fictives inspired by Robin, Alan, and Lillian from Subnautica: Below Zero have joined the system, since I wrote about the game as my first real post. Alan emerged first while I was thinking about the game after completing it for the first time, followed by Lillian as I contemplated her role in the story. Then Robin (the player character) emerged partway through a fresh, survival playthrough of the game - while we were actively playing. She is effectively experiencing her own source by co-fronting whenever we play.

And... yeah... I'm gradually getting more comfortable sharing control of the body. Learning to trust that I can still share consciousness or at least have access to memories. Which is good because, to be honest, I'm tired. If I want to survive to the body's old age (actual old age, not old-on-the-internet) I'm gonna need to take breaks - more / longer breaks than sleep seems to be offering. It's comforting to know I (will) have that option.

Headaches

It's kind of ironic that I'm writing this, but here goes...

I'm on medication to prevent headaches - by which I mean migraine symptoms that were forcing me to lie down in a dark room for a few hours at least a few days a week iirc. I made some helpful changes to my diet and since I've been on the medication the symptoms have abated - for a while they were practically a non-issue! But I've been lax taking the medication, once a day instead of twice as prescribed. And sleep... what sleep? Even when I go to bed at a reasonable time I can't seem to fall and stay asleep. Not enough water, too much screen time... there are plenty of factors that are almost definitely contributing to this.

But since I started exploring the possibility that I might be plural, I've been having worse and worse headaches / migraine symptoms. Sometimes it's more accurate to call them headaches, tension headaches, sinus headaches, earaches. Sometimes it's stabbing pain over one eye accompanied by light sensitivity, etc. etc. Or a combination, that's fun. I turned down the brightness on my monitors (no idea how it had gotten so high) and I find wearing a hat can help reduce some of the excess ambient light.

Now it could just be that I'm spending more time staring at computer screens. Worse, trying to read text that's maybe a tad too small for these old eyes (oh god that makes me sound older than I intended) on a computer screen. (I'm really not *that* old.) I joined 4 fairly active Discord servers and made a private one for us to communicate with each other using a nifty bot called Plural Kit. Among other things, it lets you create proxies so each sysmate can post as themself using the same Discord account. So between all of us talking about various things and the community servers continuously updating it's been hard to pull my eyes away... to give the muscles a break, to sleep, etc.

So those are factors that would need to be ruled out before I could say the following with certainty, but. Apparently it is common for new systems to experience an increase in headaches / migraine symptoms. There are even related terms in Pluralpedia, front sickness and headpressure. I've been feeling the latter a lot lately, especially when dealing with certain sysmates. There's one in particular who makes me feel anxious and mildly nauseated too. According to Power to the Plurals attempting to prevent a switch can cause a headache and, well... in theory I'm open to the idea of switching but to be honest I'm actually terrified to fully give up control. At the very least I want to remain aware of what they're doing, ready to take control back if necessary! (Co-fronting is a thing so I guess we can negotiate.)

It all came to a head (haha) yesterday when a few of us decided we need a manager because we are AuDHD and have always sucked at executive functioning. Especially time management. (We realized after the fact that a manager who shares our AuDHD brain is likely to have the same difficulties we do, for the same reason.) We joined server #4 to learn about headmate creation and get started on the process. We came up with the idea for our new sysmate: name, pronouns, appearance, role, a little bit of personality and made a Pluralkit profile and proxy. "Okay," we thought. "Later or tomorrow or whenever we'll take the next step." which is to talk to the new sysmate, wait for a reply, and respond as them if necessary. Well long story short I was already having migraine symptoms when our new sysmate not only spoke to us but (tried to?) control the body and posted in our private server. Or at least I think it was the new sysmate. My head hurt. I can't remember if I felt disoriented (which I definitely did with the new sysmates that emerged spontaneously), my phone felt like it weighed a ton... it took a lot of energy to do anything, like it was through a fog... The end of the post was "I go back to sleep." and then a little while later I felt more myself - exhausted but myself - and I decided to take a nap.

Part of me wants to believe it but it just seems WAY too soon for something like that to happen. Unless I'm somehow particularly gifted in creating headmates or something. Could be I've been doing it since I was a child - imaginary friends, characters in whatever story(ies) I was writing - and I didn't realize what they were so they... went dormant? Evolved into the beings who replied when I finally decided to listen? I have no idea.

All I know is that whenever I question whether I'm actually plural they tease me. Or they'll all fall silent and then the one who's always with me will assure me he's still here. 

That, and I need to do something about these headaches. So I'm gonna address all the more likely causes as best I can. And also try to take a step back from this stuff (which is why I said my writing this post is ironic). I muted the community servers for 24 hours. ::sighs with relief:: And... I'm not sure what else. Whatever they decide to do they do. If they need me they know how to reach me - please not by giving me another headache! That is NOT effective communication. I don't know what it means! Ahem. I'm going to pet the cat who wants my attention and listen to her purr and everything will be better.

3 Weeks

It's been about 3 weeks since we started on this journey, and we're feeling pretty good about it. We've finally accepted that we're plural ... Though bit of uncertainty about who said something might arise: "was that really another sysmate's thought or mine?" - that kind of thing. Overall everyone is real and yes these conversations are actually happening and we find comfort in each other's presence. We're striving to work together more intentionally. And it's helping.

We've also found a solution to the endogenic / traumagenic tension we were feeling... though apparently there are more terms for us to learn, hold on...

Actually, this is perfect, I love Pluralpedia! Our system is adaptive. To life with depression (for which we have a clinical diagnosis) and the circumstances that have contributed to it. To being neurodivergent / AuDHD. To being one project away from graduating with a Master of the Arts degree in music composition and theory! Something we've been working toward for years, finally very within our grasp...

Well, we gave The Presentation a few days ago. Now it's just a matter of (hoping nothing wonky happens in bureaucracy land and) waiting for our diploma to arrive in the mail. In the meantime we're recovering from the stress and lack of sleep from juggling work on the project with our identity explorations. 

We also joined a couple of plural community servers. One is pro-endo and has a ton of channels for people to ask questions and support each other. There are also regular prompts to encourage engagement, so something is always happening. It can be a bit overwhelming at times and we're not always interested in participating, but it's where we fit in better.

The other is DID-focused and endo-neutral. We joined because its description promised we would be challenged and find real healing. It also has occasional prompts. But the real value in it so far has been learning that systems can develop to adapt to other mental disorders without being diagnosable as a dissociative disorder. (That was before we learned the term "adaptive" above.)

We might join another server or two for more variety, possibly find a better fit, we're not sure. We definitely need to make sure we're balancing our inner and outer lives, especially now that we've lost school as an attraction toward the latter. The hope is to replace it with "actually composing" and "finding paid work as a composer" - that's the dream, right?

About a week and a half ago I wrote about potentially being plural in some capacity: 2 or more entities sharing 1 body. I had always experienced my thoughts as conversations and wondered why. Well, pretty much as soon as I opened the door my conversation partners started answering. There's actually quite a few of us in here.

I hesitate to go into much detail just yet, but I'm the host of a system with several named system mates, some of whom hang out up "front" and experience the world with me, but let me "drive" (control the body). One in particular has been increasingly interested in "driving" and we've had some disagreements... It's not that I'm not willing to share control, it's that I feel anxious about losing it. I especially do not want to risk having (more?) blank spots in my memory.

We've had our ups and downs, a LOT of healing. A reunion of sorts. Apologies. Making amends. I finally got to thank the one who took over when I dissociated upon learning that our father had died (of lung cancer) when I / the body was 13. I'm so grateful for that, and though she usually stays in the back she's been very helpful - provided helpful insights - since being acknowledged.

There is trauma and loss in our past and that has affected us, as it would anyone. "I" have had a clinical depression diagnosis (along with anxiety) for over 2 decades. And "I" am already in therapy with someone who I don't really think would take it very well if I tried to talk to her about this. I could be wrong, but I'm wary. Finding a plural-friendly therapist who accepts our insurance could be extremely difficult. I don't know if they'd be willing / able to work with us straight away or if they would need a DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) diagnosis to recognize the others formally. From what I've gathered, that can take years... and I'm not sure how helpful it would be.

I don't consider their presence to be a disorder. Or my own for that matter... I'm not [our legal name], WE make that "person" collectively. Likewise, we make MelodicButtonmash aka Buttons collectively. I consider our existence a healthy thing. Adaptive. We reached a place of recognizing each other and striving to consciously and intentionally work together on our own. For that reason I'm more inclined to think of our system as endogenic. If we join a plural community(ies) "endo-friendly" will be one of the criteria.

I do hope we'll be able to find community. My partner has been very supportive. She knows a little bit about plurality but is not an expert and is not plural herself, so there's only so much she can relate... My... well, other partner, but we're platonic so I usually call them my bestie seemed skeptical when I tried talking about this. They experience their self as emergent though so pot meet kettle, honestly. Other than those 2 and maybe 1 other friend I'm not sure who among people I know "IRL" I could talk to about this. So... online... My partner's been encouraging me to talk to plural systems we know (she's better acquainted with them than I am) and, well, that seems like a good place to start.

Headache at the Pharmacy

I have a prescription medication I take once every 3 months that isn't covered by insurance. Fortunately the out-of-pocket expense is doable. I take it the first Sunday of the month because I figured that would be easy to remember.

With the first Sunday of April being a holiday this year I decided to request the refill 2 weeks early. My pharmacy put it on hold because it wasn't covered by insurance. They did not contact me. To be fair I should have gone in much sooner to try and pick it up. But I thought, since I'd given so much time, that it would be there when I tried to pick it up on Thursday.

NOPE! My refill was on hold and they didn't have the medication in stock. I explained that I planned to pay out of pocket and asked them to fill the prescription. They said they should get the medication either Friday or Monday. We were unable to follow up on Friday or Saturday, so I called this afternoon to confirm its availability before going to pick it up.

I had to talk to an automated system. The prescription was listed as "fillable." So I said, "fill it." Time passed and I got no update so I called again and got the same result. I said I wanted to talk to a pharmacist. I was sent to voicemail. I left a message. I got a call back sometime later explaining that someone had tried to put the refill through insurance, it had been denied, so they had contacted the doctor asking for an alternative. The pharmacist said they would cancel all that and push through the original prescription. I thanked them, we wished each other a good day and hung up.

I waited. Nada. I decided to just go over there (it's a short walk) and see if I could pick up my prescription. I had another one ready but this one was still pending or something. When a pharmacist came to help me I said "can you please fill the one that's pending..." "You were here the other day, weren't you? Let me see if we have that in stock." They asked me to sit off to the side so I did, expecting to be called in a few minutes.

Time passed. The line got long. Everyone got helped. More people showed up. More time passed. The people sitting next to me chatted. Complained about how long they'd been waiting. I chimed in. They sympathized. Finally one of them got up and went to check on their order and lo, it was ready! They were kind enough to tell me what had happened and suggest I do the same. Sure enough, so was mine!

I'm really annoyed and frustrated. I can't really blame the pharmacists, though, especially since when I actually talked to them they seemed to want to help and were friendly. They were swamped. I'm mostly annoyed that they didn't contact me to try and resolve the hold during those 2 weeks. But, as I mentioned earlier, I could've been more proactive. I'm also annoyed with my past self.

Of course, none of this would have been an issue if the medication was covered by insurance! The form I take is the one I feel safer self-administering, which I find much more accessible than going to the doctor. I think it might only be available under a brand name, unless that changed recently, or perhaps it's more expensive than the alternative? My insurance only covers the generic version(s) of the other form. Whether it's due to legit concerns over cost or they're being stingy, it's hurting people.

Companies that develop medications shouldn't be able to sell them as an expensive "brand" and insurance should cover all forms of a medication that are proven to be safe and effective. Oh and we should have universal healthcare.