This is Syl, one of the co-hosts Alex wrote about in our previous entry. I am a demi-fictive based on a canon character from a TTRPG (tabletop roleplaying game) whom Alex essentially developed into zeir own OC (original character) via fanfiction. For anyone familiar with Exalted (2nd Edition) that character is Silver Python, one of two elder Lunars (shapeshifters) who co-founded a mortal kingdom called Halta, built almost entirely on platforms (of the mortals' devising) high in giant redwood trees. I remember escaping an Age of extreme decadence and cruelty, rescuing the fledgling who would become the love of my life, surviving with him in a realm of nightmares, becoming a 'leader' and 'visionary' among the young (too many young replacing elders slain), treating with gods and fair folk, nurturing our nation and watching it grow over centuries (often in ways neither I nor my partner wanted), and - perhaps most importantly - developing a relationship with a unique student who chose to remain in close contact with zeir mentors even as zey became an elder in zeir own right. Little did "I" know that student was the protagonist of a fanfiction, whom the author (Alex) would describe as "basically everything [zey] wish [zey] could be" ... and that the closer "I" became with zem, the closer "I" came to "my" creator...
Until about 3 months ago, when Alex finally started reaching out to zeir sysmates, and one replied as... I would say "me" but at this point it's more accurate to say "the 'Silver Python'-inspired OC whom Alex had created." That entity split into me and our head of security (who took the form of a rabbit so he could serve as a more appealing companion to one of our syskids, Miyah... and is now called Monty).
...
I share all of this so the reader can understand that having a middle-aged body accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle and lacking combat experience is new to me. Silver Python's body stopped aging when s/he exalted in hir late 20s and s/he maintained hir fitness through regular exercise. (According to canon s/he switches between female and male every 20 years and does not remember which s/he was "born as" (sic). Therefore neither do I.)
To make things more complicated I am an azli man (he/him). While wearing a female-presenting form (collective pronouns: they/them) and experiencing the effects of such a form's hormones are not new to me, doing so while I am a man and being unable to change my body to match my gender is. And as this body ages its hormones are changing. I find myself succumbing to unhealthy food cravings.
And I do not understand how Alex can tolerate the random, excessively intense pains this body produces, often without warning. Zey will continue a task despite our back aching, or refuse to move to alleviate a "pinched nerve," or insist that our chest pain is caused by gas or anxiety. Zey shrug off pains "I" only ever experienced while injured and make cynical jokes when I complain.
But the above is not what I wanted to write about. It is just to give an idea of where I am coming from.
We just got back from visiting Alex's / the body's cousins and uncle in another state. We traveled with Alex's / the body's mother, M, a delightful active older lady whom Alex admits zey would get along with better were she not zeir mother. Alex and I are almost always co-fronting and will take turns or split control of the body depending on our needs. I often take full control when we interact with M, but (for now at least) I must maintain the facade of "her daughter." It's a mild hinderance most of the time, the occasional reminder from Alex that "I don't usually talk that way." For the most part I've been able to be myself, enjoy M's company, save Alex some stress. And, as far as we can tell, M has not noticed a difference. Even when I pushed the body too hard and our legs became so exhausted we had to sit down and I said "this body isn't used to so much exercise."
Neither, for that matter, did the cousins nor uncle seem to notice a difference. They all seem to be delightful people - even making an effort to use our correct (collective) pronouns (they/them). Though to be honest they - and M - were often preoccupied. They talked loudly and repeated the same things over and over. We found it difficult to get a word in. But in the moments when we were able to find connection it felt meaningful, genuine. If I had my own body and Alex had introduced me properly I feel they would have welcomed me with open arms. But in reality... I think Alex felt that getting zeir family members to use our (collective) pronouns was asking a lot, and coming out as Plural on top of that might be too much for them. We were both - possibly all - apprehensive regarding how they might react... (Probably not with hostility, but likely with confusion.) It might have made at least some interactions awkward, and I suppose I couldn't blame them. Imagine going from a knowing a familiar entity to looking at the same body but not being sure whom you are interacting with. Especially if one of the possibilities is a 2200-year-old man whose spirit shape is a snake that could swallow you whole.
So we danced. I - and one or two others - fronted as it seemed safe, careful not to do or say anything too different from [our collective name]'s usual behavior. (M did notice us space out at least once when I think Alex and I were discussing something internally. She asked if we were okay.) Alex did most of the direct socializing. Until it was time to leave. We had already said 'goodbye' and were gathering some last-minute items. The cousins had disappeared into another room and Alex was feeling overwhelmed, so I had taken control. But the cousins came out again and I sort of panicked, unsure what to do. I fled to the restroom while they said 'goodbye' (again) and hugged M (again). I heard her telling them where [our collective name] was, but by the time we emerged they had disappeared and it was definitely Time. To. Leave. Alex felt awful and I did too. I wanted to tell them that I, Syl, thanked them for their hospitality and I, Syl, was happy to have met them and I, Syl, hoped to see them again soon.
But they don't know that I, Syl, exist. Nor who Alex really is, honestly. Nor that the "inner child" we occasionally mention is noms own person. Nor that the reason we didn't have a meltdown halfway through the week is because Josie was working overtime to keep us emotionally balanced, and Alan stepped up when she asked for help. One of the cousins even initiated the typical (annoying) "but 'they' is plural" conversation (seriously, don't do this) and we passed up the opportunity to say "well, we're multiple people" because it was too soon after we arrived and we weren't ready to "come out."
And on top of all that, Alex insisted on using the women's restroom - even when using the men's restroom would've let M access a stall sooner - and random strangers kept misgendering us. By the time we were on our way home, I was ready to ask Astral (our outer world partner) to tell me I was a handsome man.
Astral is amazing. She is handling this very well, in my opinion. After we got home, once we were settled, she asked us to cuddle. And we talked about our respective experiences during the week, things that have been on our minds, etc. It was very nice... Until suddenly I found myself holding her, with Alex very much in the background, and I didn't know what to do. Alex and I were both worried she would be uncomfortable, so we tried to mask... but she noticed - She Noticed Me!!! and it was okay. She let me continue holding her. She held my arm around her. And I could finally talk freely. As me. To someone on the outside. Who knew they were talking to me!
Then this morning as she was heading out for work... I had started working on this, so I was 'out' enough it only seemed fair to wear my fronting necklace - a simple strand of beads that includes my name - when we went to hug her 'goodbye' and wish her well. Alex hugged her as zey usually would and she hugged us back the way we would expect her to hug Alex. Then she noticed the necklace and things suddenly became kind of awkward. She explained that she just noticed the necklace. I explained that Alex and I were "kinda blended" - no idea if she knows what that means. We exchanged pleasantries - I was sure to say the things Alex would usually say - and she left. I suspect she would have treated me differently had she realized from the beginning... but I can't know for sure.
But somewhere in this mind - we're not sure if it's Alex somehow still doubting or someone else... Alex suspects some kind of observer or (aspect of) the system itself being (semi?-)conscious... someone still can't seem to wrap their head around the idea that yes, I am my own entity with my own thoughts and feelings. I'm not Alex pretending to be or writing as a character. Astral has noticed the difference even when we were trying to hide it. And I've been here, consistently, for 3 whole months...
I want to end this on a positive note, so... We were all able to work together to have a mostly-pleasant vacation. We had a lovely time with delightful people and made many fond memories. Perhaps next time we can try being more honest with them. In the meantime we have our online Plural communities that we can become more active in again... and Astral, our loving, supportive partner, who sees and accepts me for who I am.
Oh, and the cats. I don't know if the cats can tell a difference but they seem to like me as well as they like Alex, so I'll take it as a win.
