About a week and a half ago I wrote about potentially being plural in some capacity: 2 or more entities sharing 1 body. I had always experienced my thoughts as conversations and wondered why. Well, pretty much as soon as I opened the door my conversation partners started answering. There's actually quite a few of us in here.

I hesitate to go into much detail just yet, but I'm the host of a system with several named system mates, some of whom hang out up "front" and experience the world with me, but let me "drive" (control the body). One in particular has been increasingly interested in "driving" and we've had some disagreements... It's not that I'm not willing to share control, it's that I feel anxious about losing it. I especially do not want to risk having (more?) blank spots in my memory.

We've had our ups and downs, a LOT of healing. A reunion of sorts. Apologies. Making amends. I finally got to thank the one who took over when I dissociated upon learning that our father had died (of lung cancer) when I / the body was 13. I'm so grateful for that, and though she usually stays in the back she's been very helpful - provided helpful insights - since being acknowledged.

There is trauma and loss in our past and that has affected us, as it would anyone. "I" have had a clinical depression diagnosis (along with anxiety) for over 2 decades. And "I" am already in therapy with someone who I don't really think would take it very well if I tried to talk to her about this. I could be wrong, but I'm wary. Finding a plural-friendly therapist who accepts our insurance could be extremely difficult. I don't know if they'd be willing / able to work with us straight away or if they would need a DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) diagnosis to recognize the others formally. From what I've gathered, that can take years... and I'm not sure how helpful it would be.

I don't consider their presence to be a disorder. Or my own for that matter... I'm not [our legal name], WE make that "person" collectively. Likewise, we make MelodicButtonmash aka Buttons collectively. I consider our existence a healthy thing. Adaptive. We reached a place of recognizing each other and striving to consciously and intentionally work together on our own. For that reason I'm more inclined to think of our system as endogenic. If we join a plural community(ies) "endo-friendly" will be one of the criteria.

I do hope we'll be able to find community. My partner has been very supportive. She knows a little bit about plurality but is not an expert and is not plural herself, so there's only so much she can relate... My... well, other partner, but we're platonic so I usually call them my bestie seemed skeptical when I tried talking about this. They experience their self as emergent though so pot meet kettle, honestly. Other than those 2 and maybe 1 other friend I'm not sure who among people I know "IRL" I could talk to about this. So... online... My partner's been encouraging me to talk to plural systems we know (she's better acquainted with them than I am) and, well, that seems like a good place to start.

Headache at the Pharmacy

I have a prescription medication I take once every 3 months that isn't covered by insurance. Fortunately the out-of-pocket expense is doable. I take it the first Sunday of the month because I figured that would be easy to remember.

With the first Sunday of April being a holiday this year I decided to request the refill 2 weeks early. My pharmacy put it on hold because it wasn't covered by insurance. They did not contact me. To be fair I should have gone in much sooner to try and pick it up. But I thought, since I'd given so much time, that it would be there when I tried to pick it up on Thursday.

NOPE! My refill was on hold and they didn't have the medication in stock. I explained that I planned to pay out of pocket and asked them to fill the prescription. They said they should get the medication either Friday or Monday. We were unable to follow up on Friday or Saturday, so I called this afternoon to confirm its availability before going to pick it up.

I had to talk to an automated system. The prescription was listed as "fillable." So I said, "fill it." Time passed and I got no update so I called again and got the same result. I said I wanted to talk to a pharmacist. I was sent to voicemail. I left a message. I got a call back sometime later explaining that someone had tried to put the refill through insurance, it had been denied, so they had contacted the doctor asking for an alternative. The pharmacist said they would cancel all that and push through the original prescription. I thanked them, we wished each other a good day and hung up.

I waited. Nada. I decided to just go over there (it's a short walk) and see if I could pick up my prescription. I had another one ready but this one was still pending or something. When a pharmacist came to help me I said "can you please fill the one that's pending..." "You were here the other day, weren't you? Let me see if we have that in stock." They asked me to sit off to the side so I did, expecting to be called in a few minutes.

Time passed. The line got long. Everyone got helped. More people showed up. More time passed. The people sitting next to me chatted. Complained about how long they'd been waiting. I chimed in. They sympathized. Finally one of them got up and went to check on their order and lo, it was ready! They were kind enough to tell me what had happened and suggest I do the same. Sure enough, so was mine!

I'm really annoyed and frustrated. I can't really blame the pharmacists, though, especially since when I actually talked to them they seemed to want to help and were friendly. They were swamped. I'm mostly annoyed that they didn't contact me to try and resolve the hold during those 2 weeks. But, as I mentioned earlier, I could've been more proactive. I'm also annoyed with my past self.

Of course, none of this would have been an issue if the medication was covered by insurance! The form I take is the one I feel safer self-administering, which I find much more accessible than going to the doctor. I think it might only be available under a brand name, unless that changed recently, or perhaps it's more expensive than the alternative? My insurance only covers the generic version(s) of the other form. Whether it's due to legit concerns over cost or they're being stingy, it's hurting people.

Companies that develop medications shouldn't be able to sell them as an expensive "brand" and insurance should cover all forms of a medication that are proven to be safe and effective. Oh and we should have universal healthcare.

Reflections on Subnautica: Below Zero

 SPOILER ALERT for Subnautica: Below Zero

This post contains a minor spoiler for something that can happen early in Subnautica: Below Zero depending on the player's choices. If you want a spoiler-free experience, do not read any farther.

Disclaimer:
It's been a while since I played and I have not completed the subplot in question. :-/

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For info on Subnautica: Below Zero check out the Wiki. Also check out the interactive map, which I've found to be an invaluable resource while playing both Below Zero and the original game.

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In Subnautica: Below Zero, Robin Ayou (the player character) visits the frigid polar region of Planet 4546B to investigate the disappearance of her sister, Sam. Depending on player choices, Robin likely encounters an Architect, AL-AN, whose storage device is failing. If AL-AN does not transfer to a new storage device immediately, they will perish. Robin offers her PDA. In a hectic scene with limited communication, it is reported that suitable storage has been identified and the transfer is completed.

Robin is very upset when she realizes AL-AN has downloaded themself not onto her PDA but into her brain. ... Personally when I first encountered this scene I realized immediately that there was no way a sapient consciousness(es?) would fit on a PDA! I was not surprised at all to learn AL-AN had actually been transferred into Robin's brain. I suppose I can sort of understand her being upset that the situation was not clearly explained and she had not been given the opportunity to freely consent. But considering it was a life-or-death situation for AL-AN I can kind of understand their actions, and they did mention the cybernetics in Robin's brain...

Anyway, Robin is upset about having an Architect in her brain. She, the first human to make direct contact with the Architects, is UPSET to have a direct telepathic connection with one who is grateful to her for saving their life and very considerate - I'd say friendly. She wants to get them out her head ASAP. To be fair I think AL-AN also considers the situation to be sub-optimal and wants their own body so they can at least attempt to return to their people. But mostly I think their drive to leave Robin's brain ASAP is out of consideration for her.

Once the shock wears off the two engage in cultural exchange. Their interactions are one of my favorite things about the game... possibly my absolute favorite. They certainly set Below Zero apart from original Subnautica and most other games I've played. I completed the Sam subplot but not the AL-AN one. In part because at some point I had to end my play session and didn't pick the game up again (and I found navigating the cave systems difficult and frustrating). But also because I'm reluctant to separate the two characters. Based on some of the info I've gathered in-game, I expect it to be bittersweet at best. (Please no spoilers.)

Still with me? Great, now we get to why I actually wanted to write about this game. I did not understand why Robin was upset to have AL-AN in her brain. Why would she want them out ASAP? I thought it would be great to have someone you could communicate with at any time just by thinking. Feeling. Dreaming. Someone who's always there for you. To exchange ideas with. Learn from. Obviously you would want this to be a friendly and not hostile entity. And well I can understand wanting some privacy too. Some peace and quiet, even, maybe, sometimes...

But overall, who wouldn't want a brain buddy?

... I wonder if perhaps my thoughts on the matter might not be typical, nor what the developers intended. Are players supposed to at least understand why Robin wants AL-AN out of her head, even after the two characters start acting more like friends? I've had strange reactions to things before. When I was a kid my parents took me on a haunted hay ride and some witches invited me to join them. I seriously considered it, but decided I would miss my parents too much and calmly declined. Then I saw the other kids screaming and cringing and realized I was supposed to be scared. But I wasn't scared and I was not like "pfft this isn't real" - I was genuinely considering what I thought (hoped?) was a legit invitation.

I'm an only child and have spent a lot of time playing with imaginary friends. My thoughts have taken the form of a conversation among 2 or more people for as long as I can remember. I've always been intrigued by hive minds and collectives and curious what it would be like to be a part of one - not completely losing my self, but sharing consciousness beyond it.

When I first learned about plurality I was fascinated. Not so much by the "having a diagnosable mental disorder caused by severe childhood trauma" part, especially as it's clinically portrayed. (I have a B.A. in Psychology and was all-but-thesis for a M.A. in Music Therapy before I switched concentrations). Though according to the page I linked to above, not all plural systems are created via trauma.

I'm fascinated by the "multiple entities sharing one body" part, and the idea that they can learn together and support each other (more intentionally). How cool would that be? Could it help explain my experience of thoughts-as-conversations? Could it possibly explain some of my other experiences, like occasionally wondering how I ended up trapped in this body with this identity and life? Sometimes feeling much younger or much older than my actual age? Rarely (thank goodness it's rare) mourning the fact that I'm limited to this one body's perceptions, when the entire universe should be within my consciousness... 

I've been wondering about these things for years, especially the thoughts-as-conversations one. Recently I found How to Know If You Are Plural by The Plural Association, related to that, watched a bunch of their videos, and tried journaling.

Based on the results... I can kinda understand Robin feeling overwhelmed and needing time to adapt to having another entity in her head... even though, if what I think is true, mine have been here helping me for as long as I can remember - probably longer. Call it denial but I hesitate to take on a label, especially publicly (oops), even though it's free to use by anyone who (genuinely) self-identifies.

I have some concerns that this could have been caused by trauma - and that trying to understand said trauma will make my mental health worse (or at least distract from finishing my degree) - but maybe it wasn't! Maybe I've just always been like this. Let's go with that explanation. It makes things much simpler and lets me stay focused on the positive side, the possibilities.

Ahem... if this is true... if we are a ... if this is true, I hope that contacting each other, striving and learning to communicate and work together more effectively, will be helpful. It might make tasks easier. Perhaps reduce our anxiety and depression symptoms. Help us be happier.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog!

I'm MelodicButtonmash. You're welcome to call me Buttons. My pronouns are zey/zem or they/them. I'm a genderfluid VTuber, variety streamer (on Twitch), and music composer. I love playing games that tell a good story.

Most of my activity is on my Twitch channel, where I strive to create a safe space where all adults are welcome (18+). There I mostly play games, but I also host co-working streams, charity streams, participate in raid trains, and occasionally compose on stream. Most of the raid trains I've participated in have been organized by the Rainbow Raid Relay* or Trans Lifeline. I am also a member of the Diverse Hearts (official) and founding member of the Chaos Gremlin Love Squad (unofficial) stream teams.

*The Rainbow Raid Relay is a bi-monthly event on Twitch featuring queer / LGBTQIA+ streamers. To my knowledge it does not have 1 central publicly-accessible web presence that is consistent between events.

In addition to all that I post my edited VODs (videos on demand) on YouTube and thoughts on BlueSky (links to my channel / profile). The thing is, BlueSky has a very low (300) character limit. I often find it difficult to express myself within that limit, and I'm more comfortable writing than making video essays or podcasts.

So, here we are, with a new blog. I'll use it to share long-form posts about... whatever is on my mind. Like today I wanted to write about something in Subnautica: Below Zero (that will be a separate post). It would have taken at least 5 posts on BlueSky! I've done even longer ones - I think the longest was 11 posts - and it's just ridiculous. Definitely time to add yet another platform! (Thank goodness I have a LinkTree.)

Anyway, I hope you enjoy my blog!